Juries are not always comprised of the brightest bulbs on the scoreboard. With people who don’t know enough to lie to get out of jury duty, it’s amazing the jails are as full as they are. Here are 15 of the guiltiest people who are still able to go see Captain America without having to wait for it to hit cable TV on the prison TV.
Casey Anthony
2011′s O.J. probably would already be in jail if it wasn’t for the media’s endless scrutiny. But hey,
Nancy Grace has gotta eat. Nothing says innocent like going out to party after your child goes missing. Casey Anthony is the obvious first choice here. She was the inspiration for this very list. Anthony was accused of murdering her 2-year-old daughter, proceeding to party for a month whilst donning borderline-stripper outfits with a bunch of nasty looking dudes and crappy beers, then lying to police about the entire thing. She claimed that her daughter had disappeared in the trusted care of a babysitter who turned out to not exist.
The only ‘guilty’ verdict returned was ‘providing false information to a law enforcement officer’, which were misdemeanors and marked as time served. Anthony went free.
Evidence Against Casey Anthony:
Being a General Douchebag
- Casey thwarts her mother’s efforts to see or speak to Caylee for a month until…
- Cindy, Casey’s mother, apparently discovered Casey’s abandoned vehicle at an impound lot smelling “like there’s been a damn dead body in the car.”
- Getting a
“Bella Vita” (Beautiful Life) tattoo while her toddler was missing, lying dead in the woods.
- Casey never actually reported her daughter missing. It was Cindy, Casey’s mother, who called made the calls to 911.
Tall Tales
- Casey originally told detectives that Caylee had been abducted by a nanny named Zanny, but Zanny never actually existed.
- Casey claimed that she declined to contact authorities for a month because she was independently searching for Zanny, but her browser history showed that no searches for the nonexistent women had been typed in until after she made up the story.
- Casey also claims two different stories regarding Zanny, one in which Zanny kidnaps Caylee. In the other, Zanny is asked to care for Caylee for a few days or more.
- Casey’s lawyer defended the story that Caylee had accidentally drowned in the family’s pool, prompting Casey and her father to hide and dispose of the body out of fear of Cindy’s reaction.
Caylee’s Corpse
- Found in a plastic bag with duct tape near her mouth six months after her disappearance.
- FBI forensics expert testified to finding the outline of a heart-shaped sticker on duct tape attached to Caylee’s skull. Similar stickers were found at the crime scene and in Caylee’s bedroom.
- The body was found down the road from the Anthony’s residence, close to the area where Casey used to bury her pets.
Stinky Death Car
- Witnesses testified to ‘foul odor’ coming from Anthony’s car.
- Expert testimony reporting that the strong odor in Anthony’s car was consistent with that of a decomposing body.
- Cadaver dog signaled that there may have been a body in the trunk.
- Expert testimony about the “shockingly high” levels of chloroform in the trunk.
- Veteran FBI specialist Karen Lowe testified the hair in Anthony’s trunk matched Caylee’s hair and contained
postmortem root banding.
- Evidence of chloroform in the car.
Google Trail
- Family laptop used to search for
• chloroform
• neck-breaking
•
making weapons out of household products
• inhalation
• death
• self-defense
• head injuries
• ruptured spleen
• chest trauma
• internal bleeding
• alcohol
around the time of Caylee’s disappearance.
- The records of these searches had been intentionally deleted.
Misc. Facts
- Rare type of (Henkel) duct tape used to seal Caylee’s mouth. Casey then used the same type of duct tape to post ‘missing’ posters.
I believe myself to be leaving out a few details here, like Casey Anthony’s suspicious statements to her mother while in prison, her jovial demeanor about the police searching for Caylee in the wrong area, inventing a job at Universal Studios, the discovery of Caylee’s body in an Anthony baby blanket (which Cindy Anthony noticed was missing from their home), etc. However, way too much time was spent poring over a terrible case that is now closed without any justice for Caylee.
Lizzie Borden
Lizzy Borden was put on trial for murdering her father and step mother with a hatchet. She did typical innocent person things like attempt to buy acid weeks before the murder and burn one of her dresses, which probably wasn’t covered in blood. Of course, the biggest piece of evidence that makes her innocent is that
a heavy metal band was named after her. No one involved in heavy metal could do such a horrible thing without singing and playing guitar badly about it.
R. Kelly
If you don’t know what R. Kelly did, then you probably don’t want to know. Pretty much anything you do with a 14-year-old kid puts you in jail, unless you happen to be a millionaire urinating on their prepubescent face. Somehow, unlike every other rapper that has been put in front of a jury,
R. Kelly walked away free to sample.
Robert Blake
Not even fictional 70′s police detective Baretta or the Little Rascals would believe the story
Robert Blake told authorities when his wife was found dead. She was shot in a parking lot, while Blake when back inside the restaurant to get a gun he left behind. At trial, the defense claimed Mrs. Blake was killed by associates of Christian Brando, son of Marlon. He was acquitted despite witness testimony from two different men that Blake had tried to hire them to kill his wife. How did this not get higher ratings than the O.J. Trial?
Lucky Luciano
Probably the only mob boss with more cajones than Carlo, was Lucky. While sitting in jail during World War 2, the Federal Government was having some trouble down at the docks in New York. Someone had started some fires. The government cut a deal with Lucky that if he used his organization to keep the docks safe so that the military equipment would go in and out, he’d be let out of jail and deported after the war. At the end of the war, the government kept up their end and Lucky laughed all the way back to Italy, as it was
his guys that set the fire.
Katherine Harris
Remember the presidential election in 2000? Florida had some problems with hanging chads, but amazingly the Secretary of State for the State of Florida confidently called the election for George W. Bush. Maybe that was because she was also co-chair of Bush’s Florida election efforts. Later, she was elected to the House of Representatives, probably with no money from military contractors.
Harris went on to become embroiled in a bribery scandal while running for Senator, which coincidentally involved military contractors. She plead ignorance, which, if you’ve ever
heard her speak, you’ve got to believe.
Carlo Gambino
One of the most powerful crime bosses in the history of the Mafia, Carlo only served 22 months of his entire 74 years of life in jail. He died in front of the TV a free man, probably wondering how he’d collect on royalties from
the Godfather movies. Thankfully, he never lived to see the confusing end of the Sopranos.
Neil Bush
Back before destroying the US economy was popular, H. W. Bush had
another son that attempted to destroy the economy using his savings and loan. While living like a French monarch and a Roman Emperor combined, his daddy made sure the tax payers got the bill. Thanks, H.W. Next time, use a condom. Fortunately, this kind of financial malfeasance would never happen again.
Henry Paulson
If you’re one of those poor people that lost a house or two during
the big housing bubble, you can blame a lot of it on Paulson. Thanks to his efforts, the government gave hundreds of billions of dollars to banks that lost hundreds of billions of dollars. And rather than help people that were losing their home, they all bought ivory backscratchers. Nice job, Treasury Secretary.
Roman Polanski
Just because you can make a movie doesn’t mean you can live out scenes from Lolita.
Polanski managed to escape justice and is technically a fugitive. They almost got him in 2009, but like a sleazy
Lex Luthor, Polanski slipped free. Guess you have to be a pop music icon to touch kids and live in America at the same time.
Ted Kennedy
Remember why Ted Kennedy didn’t get elected president back in the day? Seems he left his date to drown after driving into the river one night. Perhaps his
enormous head prevented him from diving back down and saving his date.
The Ramseys
The
bizarre case of the murder of JonBenett Ramsey still goes unsolved. Somehow, a child that the couple fawned over nonstop for make up, hair, talent shows and on and on, was left alone long enough to be murdered in their own house. Maybe if the Keystone Cops hadn’t bungled the investigation, this wouldn’t be
endless fodder for Law & Order TV shows.
O.J. Simpson
O.J. is so guilty,
he almost confessed the entire thing in a book deal and TV special. Yeah, it’s amazing how many innocent people write books and hold TV shows talking about crimes they never committed. Good luck catching those real killers, O.J. How’s that going?
OJ Simpson’s trial was a gigantic media shitshow which roped in thousands of emotionally invested viewers across the country. Although the general consensus seemed (and seems) to be that OJ donned ill-fitting gloves before maniacally stabbing his ex-wife and her friend to death, the case turned into something of a race war. Many claimed that a guilty verdict would be a racist one. A non-racist miscarriage of justice was later carried out, announcing Simpson as not guilty and sending him into the world where he would later go on to fail at robbing a sports memorabilia shop of his own crap.
Evidence against OJ Simpson:
- Blood trails leading from the house contained Simpson’s DNA. Contamination or tampering were ruled out.
- Cut on Simpson’s finger. The defense responded by claiming that Simpson cut his finger on a glass in his hotel room the morning after the murders.
- Bloody shoe prints matching Simpson’s size and belonging to a rare, Italian luxury shoe.
- Hairs found in a dark knit cap were similar to Simpson’s hairs.
- Fibers on a cap were similar to those in the carpeting of Simpson’s Ford Bronco.
- Dark blue cotton fibers were found on Goldman.
- Witness testimony placed him in clothing similar to the fibers on the night of the murder.
- Gloves found at the crime scene matched those bought by Simpson’s ex-wife.
- DNA testing of gloves found evidence of Simpson and both victims.
- Gloves found by Simpson’s bed containing his ex-ex-wife’s blood.
- A mixture of blood (Simpson, his ex-wife, her friend) found on his car handle, on the console, door, steering wheel, and carpeting.
- Witness sees Simpson’s car speeding away from the scene of the crime.
- Witness sees ‘shadowy figure’ slipping back into Simpson’s home immediately after murders.
- Lack of an alibi or believable story.
- History of domestic violence against his ex-wife.
George W. Bush
Someone had to make Neil look good by comparison in the Bush Family. Arrogant, stupid and spoiled, the frat boy president is so clueless, he actually
admitted to international war crimes in his book. Fortunately for him, the US is still the most powerful country on Earth. He’d better hope it stays that way.
Dick Cheney
Voted Time’s Most Evil Human eight years running, Cheney’s pact with the Devil continues to keep him alive to cause as much pain and suffering as possible. Fortunately, he’s become too old and feeble to pull on the reigns of power anymore. Maybe if he lives long enough, he can star in a remake of
Apt Pupil.
